True Love Waits

So, grâce à Charlottesville's Festival of the Book and Planned Parenthood, I caught wind of a lecture by writer Hanne Blank on her newest book, Virgin: The Untouched History. And while Hanne was absolutely fabulous (and downright hysterically funny at times), she touched on something that's been touching me for a bit. Anyone who's been reading this knows that I'm not a friend of abstinence, and I think it should be stated that I'm also not a fan of the Bush administration. And for those of you who don't know, Bush has recently begun implementing programs that stress complete abstinence until marriage, even far into adulthood. I could not think of anything more egregious to do to your fellow countrymen/women. If you don't have sex before age 30, it's quite likely you won't be doing it at all, or at least not very long. Your sex organs will literally atrophy; women will be unable to be penetrated without pain, or may not be able to achieve orgasm, and men may suffer from premature ejaculation or become impotent far sooner than their promiscuous counterparts. Now, if you're post-thirty and still not doing the humpty-hump, I'm not saying you must go have sex now... just be warned that you're risking your ability to have sex at all.

Even my recently non-virgin friend was cutting it close: he got married at age 25. What's frightening is that he found somebody without knowing what he was looking for. I mean, look at it this way: would you buy a car without knowing how to drive one? Are you going to just hop in the seat, fiddle with the radio, roll the windows up and down, watch the wipers move back and forth, and say, "Yep! I think I'll like how this car drives! I'm sure whatever kind of odd quirks this car has, I'll be ready for, and I'm sure they'll be perfectly suited to my own driving preferences! I cannot imagine any reason why this car would not drive the way I'd want it to the rest of my life!"
Now, I did this whenever looking at cars with my mom before I ever drove one. It was easy to imagine that there was no real difference between cars except superficial ones, and I could pick them out easily. But once you get behind the wheel and start driving, you become aware that not all cars are the same, and the more cars you drive, the more aware you become. I don't drive stick, and I wouldn't even know how to handle one. I also don't like the steering wheel size of the Ford Focus. In fact, I didn't like much at all about driving a Ford Focus. However, I have a friend who likes his quite a bit. And I love my Honda, even though I know it is not as quiet nor does it handle as nicely as my Mom's Infiniti. How cars drive is a complex and ambiguous matter of preference, and is an infinitesimally insignificant matter compared to choosing a partner for the rest of your life. So, if you wouldn't be that ridiculous to assume any old car will be good for the rest of your life, why would you assume that any old sex partner would be?

The fact is, you are taking marriage too lightly if you think sex will not be important--or that you will be magically compatible in bed. There are a lot of body types and even more sexual fetishes, and any "virgin-until-married" type is being ridiculous in thinking that fate will match them up with the right one. Why do some of these pre-abstinent marriages work? I don't know. Maybe they got lucky and both had compatible kinks (ha!), or maybe they managed to work through their incompatibilities with compromise and understanding because they had a strong foundation for the marriage to work off of. Or, maybe they just give up on sex once they discover their incompatible desires. Or, even worse, they repress themselves or their partner into compatibility by stifling desires through a marriage of rigidity and resentment.

Also, am I the only one who sees that the abstinent types are also in a big hurry to get married? I mean, when every relationship is begun with the prospect of marriage twinkling in your eye, aren't you just asking for a superficial love based on your mutual desire to finally have sex without the guilt? I mean, sexual desire can make you do some crazy shit in the name of "love;" how can you be sure your lovey feelings for each other aren't just horniness in disguise? And once that horniness is quenched, will there still be love left in your starry eyes?

Certainly, marriage isn't all about sex, but sex does consume a good amount of it. There are a lot of things that you can knock out of a marriage (sleeping in the same bed, having children, eating dinner together, sharing hobbies) and still call it a perfectly fine marriage (if not even remarkably good for its quirks). But if you knock out sex, second only to communication and trust in a marriage, you have nothing. Fact: if your partner is incurably unable to have sex for more than five years, you are allowed to legally annul your marriage. That's "annul," not "divorce." As in, it wasn't really a marriage in the eyes of the State. Which is not to say all there is to a marriage, nor to say that a chaste marriage isn't a real one, but it really does drive home the point that the government at least views your marriage as nothing more than state-sanctioned sex. (Perhaps why the government is so squeamish on gay marriage: all the politicians won't be able to get their illicit airport bathroom kicks if the government starts sanctioning it.)

Is it just me, or does it seem more responsible to have sex in a safe and healthy manner, with people you trust, with people whose sexual histories you have a knowledge of, with people who strip naked to reveal a recent STD test taped to their stomachs, with people who will be willing to explore yours and their sexuality within the boundaries of safety, so that you can find the right person you'll want to bonk everyday, even when you both have morning breath and haven't shaved or showered in three days, even when you both have previously annoyed the piss out of each other just by breathing wrong, just so that you can be sure that your marriage will stand on such firm ground that it won't fail even if it was juggling Mack trucks in a Richter-scale shattering earthquake? Why is being a virgin so important? Is that all your sexuality is worth to your future partner?

She cometh alone

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For Argument's Sake!

You know what, mankind? I'm from New York (although this attitude can be found throughout New England), and when I say something offensive, you'll know it. It'll be accompanied by a prominent middle figure, and ending in such delightful phrases as, "Fuck face," "shit hole," or (my mother's favorite) "cocksucking motherfucker asswhore." So, if you are offended by something I've said, and it does not follow the above guidelines, I have not meant to offend you, and am really hoping that any offense you might take will be mediated through the ancient art of argument. So, I say something like, "I think your religion is ridiculous because of blah-blah-blah." If you don't agree, I would love (and I do mean love) for you to tell me so. You can be all like, "Look, fuckface, it seems pretty sensible to me because blah-blah-blah is taken out of context, or [insert logical, contradictory statement to my previous assumption here]." I don't like offending people, but what I like even less is the distinct impression that I've offended someone who is too chicken to call me out when I'm practically asking them to prove me wrong. Where I'm from, opinions can get served up faster than a civil suit to McDonald's, and we foster nice healthy debates. I can get into quite heated debates with my own husband, and immediately afterwards (if not during) have hot, kinky sex for an hour. Debate is normal! I want someone to argue with me. Otherwise how will I ever know that my opinions (or your opinions) are wrong?

So please: argue with me. I can't hold this self esteem up on my own, peoplez.

Slap that puss!

I don't know if you're aware--maybe you are not the porn-watching kind (Why? It's delightful!)--but in porn, there's something that I think looks very odd. Okay, so the girl's rubbing her clit like mad, and then she occasionally just gives it a quick slap or two. Now, being a possessor of the almighty vagina, I understand that this might look a little weird, but the occasional tap on the clit feels really good. But since when has reality gotten in the way of a pornographer's vision? It looks ridiculous! I'd show you a clip, but I think I would violate a large number of laws regarding copyright and pornography (disseminating it to minors at the very least), but I imagine anyone with a sans-safety Google or an XTube bookmark could find what I'm talking about.
All I can think while goggling this kind of porn is that this girl is getting very frustrated at her vagina not working, and like any fickle mechanism, has decided to give it a quick few whacks in hopes that it will spring whirring into a frenzy of orgasmic convulsions--much like how I imagine my MacBook would work in a perfect world.

A Close Encounter of the Celibate Kind.

A friend of mine recently got married. And normally I would merely clap him on the back and welcome him into the world of post-nuptial blissful boredom. However, a funny thought occurred to me not long after his wedding day: he's just had sex! Yes, my friend and his fiancée were holding it in until their wedding night, which really hit home at how awkward a situation that must be. I cannot fathom waiting until my wedding night to see my beloved in the all-together, only to lay down and go about the business of determining what part goes in exactly which of many holes.
Now, if my memories are any indication, I believe losing your virginity is an awkward and needlessly complicated process. Honestly, if it didn't improve significantly after the first few attempts, I think humans would have long since been extinct. But to save it for your wedding night? Talk about pressure! So many new things are happening all at once, do you really need orgasms and sex and nakedness to top it all off? And there's this thought prevailing that if you don't succeed, your marriage isn't officially consummated! Eek! and if you really can't get around to it, it's grounds for annulment! Double Eek! ...All my boyfriend and I had to worry about was getting the damn thing done and over with before his parents knocked on the door.
What possessed my friend to wait until now is beyond me. He claims religious fervor, I say he was just too scared and put it off until the last minute. And I thought I was a bad procrastinator.