For Argument's Sake!

You know what, mankind? I'm from New York (although this attitude can be found throughout New England), and when I say something offensive, you'll know it. It'll be accompanied by a prominent middle figure, and ending in such delightful phrases as, "Fuck face," "shit hole," or (my mother's favorite) "cocksucking motherfucker asswhore." So, if you are offended by something I've said, and it does not follow the above guidelines, I have not meant to offend you, and am really hoping that any offense you might take will be mediated through the ancient art of argument. So, I say something like, "I think your religion is ridiculous because of blah-blah-blah." If you don't agree, I would love (and I do mean love) for you to tell me so. You can be all like, "Look, fuckface, it seems pretty sensible to me because blah-blah-blah is taken out of context, or [insert logical, contradictory statement to my previous assumption here]." I don't like offending people, but what I like even less is the distinct impression that I've offended someone who is too chicken to call me out when I'm practically asking them to prove me wrong. Where I'm from, opinions can get served up faster than a civil suit to McDonald's, and we foster nice healthy debates. I can get into quite heated debates with my own husband, and immediately afterwards (if not during) have hot, kinky sex for an hour. Debate is normal! I want someone to argue with me. Otherwise how will I ever know that my opinions (or your opinions) are wrong?

So please: argue with me. I can't hold this self esteem up on my own, peoplez.

Slap that puss!

I don't know if you're aware--maybe you are not the porn-watching kind (Why? It's delightful!)--but in porn, there's something that I think looks very odd. Okay, so the girl's rubbing her clit like mad, and then she occasionally just gives it a quick slap or two. Now, being a possessor of the almighty vagina, I understand that this might look a little weird, but the occasional tap on the clit feels really good. But since when has reality gotten in the way of a pornographer's vision? It looks ridiculous! I'd show you a clip, but I think I would violate a large number of laws regarding copyright and pornography (disseminating it to minors at the very least), but I imagine anyone with a sans-safety Google or an XTube bookmark could find what I'm talking about.
All I can think while goggling this kind of porn is that this girl is getting very frustrated at her vagina not working, and like any fickle mechanism, has decided to give it a quick few whacks in hopes that it will spring whirring into a frenzy of orgasmic convulsions--much like how I imagine my MacBook would work in a perfect world.

A Close Encounter of the Celibate Kind.

A friend of mine recently got married. And normally I would merely clap him on the back and welcome him into the world of post-nuptial blissful boredom. However, a funny thought occurred to me not long after his wedding day: he's just had sex! Yes, my friend and his fiancée were holding it in until their wedding night, which really hit home at how awkward a situation that must be. I cannot fathom waiting until my wedding night to see my beloved in the all-together, only to lay down and go about the business of determining what part goes in exactly which of many holes.
Now, if my memories are any indication, I believe losing your virginity is an awkward and needlessly complicated process. Honestly, if it didn't improve significantly after the first few attempts, I think humans would have long since been extinct. But to save it for your wedding night? Talk about pressure! So many new things are happening all at once, do you really need orgasms and sex and nakedness to top it all off? And there's this thought prevailing that if you don't succeed, your marriage isn't officially consummated! Eek! and if you really can't get around to it, it's grounds for annulment! Double Eek! ...All my boyfriend and I had to worry about was getting the damn thing done and over with before his parents knocked on the door.
What possessed my friend to wait until now is beyond me. He claims religious fervor, I say he was just too scared and put it off until the last minute. And I thought I was a bad procrastinator.